This Fic Makes No Sense
by NoelCanHazKeeboward
Summary: Nothing is Sacred. Everyone's favorite Kingdom Hearts characters in random situations. Childhoods will be destroyed, and minds will be scarred. Come along for the ride,won't you? I FINISHED THE YAOI CHAPTER!
1. An Inroduction

_Curtain Opens._

A young woman with blonde hair steps onto the stage.

"Hello." She bows quickly. "I'm not part of the story. Nor am I really important. If you want to be honest, I'm only here because the author thinks it weird for authors to refer to themselves in their stories."  
"Get to the point!" An angry man in the crowd yells.  
"Moving on, my name is Linda. I'm here to interject when necessary ,narrate, and provide conext, I suppose. I'm also here to warn you. What you are about to read will make absolutely no f*cking sense- Hey, wait a minute! I can't swear? Isn't this story rated M anyway?"

_Well, no. A lot of KH fans aren't that old so I figured…_

"Why are you talking? Isn't that the exact same reason you created me?"  
_  
Yeah, but I figured people like blondes more anyway, so…._

"Why are you telling the audiences this? They don't care. They came here to laugh, not listen to the author have a conversation with himself."

_You know what Linda, why don't you shut the fuck up and do what I tell- write, whatever- you to do, okay?  
_

"So you can swear, but I can't?" Linda stares at the sky and puts her hands on her hips. "That's not fair."

_Linda I swear to God, I will backspace you out of existence._

Linda shrugs. "Touchy, touchy. Where was I? Oh right. What you are about to read will make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Dimensions will be broken, Milk will spill, and maybe Riku will finally come out of the closet. Who knows? We're pretty much making this up as we go."

Linda bows one more time before exiting the stage. "Enjoy the show, tip your waitresses, and prepare to have your childhoods destroyed."

_Curtain Closes._


	2. Fun With Zombies

Sora, Riku, and Kairi are walking home across the ocean in Aero bubbles, because bridges clearly have not been invented yet. They are also eating Sea-Salt ice cream, because there are absolutely no other ice cream flavors. Seriously, have these kids ever heard of vanilla? No, chocolate chip cookie dough. That stuff is absolutely angel food. One time, when I was little-

_Linda, stay focused._

Sorry. Anyway, their floatwalking back to Destiny Islands, eating crappy _salt_ ice cream for God's sake- when a pirate ship pulls up. In that Pirate Ship is King Mickey, Jack Sparrow, and a bunch of zombies-

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Sora yelled out, interrupting my epic narration. "Why are their zombies on a pirate ship?"

Because I f*cking said so. That's why. Anyway, the pirate ship pulls up and King Mickey tosses the anchor over the port side. "All aboard!" He yelled out in a terribly squeaky mouse voice. The three teens formed a huddle and began to whisper. "Should we go? Our parent's might be worried about us."  
Sora shook his head. "No they won't. After all, didn't they not care when I left home to travel the universes with a talking duck and dog?"  
"True. And we dropped out of high school to finish the raft. Which we never did."  
Riku, being the douche that he is, decided to answer for them. "The raft, we'll build next chapter. Now, we'll be pirates."

So the three of them join Mickey, Jack, the zombies, and some pirates, who I didn't mention before because the zombies ate most them. They begin sailing to who knows where, because the destiny islands are the only landmass on the entire planet. Sora raised his hand. "Mrs. Disembodied Voice?"  
My name is Linda.  
"Oh. Linda, if the Destiny Islands are the only things that exist, where did we get ice cream?"  
Oh, um-  
"Does that also mean we are the only human beings in exist on the planet?" Kairi suggested.  
Technichally, but-  
"Ah great." Riku sighed. "Come on Kairi, lets repopulate the planet."  
"Hey!" Sora grabbed Kairi's other arm, while Riku pulled on the other one. " I wanna repopulate with Kairi!"  
No, no repopulating, guys!

"What about me?" Jack asked, sitting over by himself. "Don't worry, I can show you my mouskatools," Mickey whispered, grabbing Jack Sparrow's hand, and looking into his eyes.  
Ew! Guys! That's illegal!

_Linda, what the hell is going on?_

Oh! Boss, I can explain-

_Are you kidding me? I leave for two minutes to get a cup of coffee, and Mickey Mouse is mating with Jack Sparrow?  
_

Don't worry, I can fix it! Before Mickey can copulate with Jack, however, the zombies eat them, and they both come back as zombies, surrounding the three teens. "Oh crap! What do we do?" Kairi screamed.  
"Don't worry, I'll handle these zombies the way a real man would!" Riku proclaimed.  
"A keyblade?" Sora asked. Riku slapped him.  
"No, do I look a girl to you?"  
"A shotgun?" Kairi asked.  
"Close, but no cigar."

Riku opted to pull out a small white and red ball. "Go! Jigglypuff!"

_Seriously, screwing with other franchises already?  
_

Sorry, boss. I'm trusting them to use their free will carefully. Riku glanced at the sky. "But we don't have free will. Our actions are decided by some kid with a keyboard."  
Riku? Zombies?  
Riku facepalmed. "Oh ,right." Riku picked up the Jigglypuff and began beating the zombies to death with it. "Do we get pokemon?" Sora asked.  
"Check your back pockets!" They did. Kairi had an Abra, which teleported directly inside a zombie's stomach and was promptly digested. Sora got a Goldeen, and stabbed his hand with its horn. While Kairi searched for her Abra and Sora cried over his baby gash, Riku was going crazy, fighting off the horde of zombies with only Jiggypuff and with what scientist call a warection.

_Warection? War and Erec- Ew.  
_

Riku killed all the zombies, and then chucked Jigglypuff at the sun. It bounced off a meteor and flew into a black hole. "That was fun. Now let's build that raft."  
"Why? We have a ship."

Not anymore, you don't. As my awesome yet sexy booming voice roared and echoed, bob-ombs fresh from the Super Mario universe began to rain from the sky. The three teens escaped on a lifeboat made of a hollowed head of lettuce, but the ship sank. They got back to the island, and the lettuce raft was eaten by a shark, who enjoyed it so much he went on a weight loss plan and started his own direct-o-video series of workout tapes-

_Linda, I think it's time we end the chapter. You're getting off subject._

Aw. I was just getting started. Anyway, will they finish the raft and actually go wherever the hell they planned on in the first game? Come back and find out!


	3. The Meeting

"This isn't our island." Captain Obvious AKA Sora pointed out.

Sora, Kairi, and Riku were sitting in a large office, at a giant meeting table. The curtains were drawn and the only light came from small slivers in the window. A large oak door swung open, and I stepped into the room.

"…So who are you?" Riku queried.  
"I'm Linda, remember? Big, disembodied voice that narrated the last chapter?"  
"Oh. Right. So… you gonna tell us why we're here and not building the raft like you said we were supposed to do?"  
I pulled up a seat at the head of the table. "You see guys, the first two chapters are live on that fanfiction website, the name of which now escapes me, so I feel we should establish some ground rules before things get too crazy."  
"Okay, that sounds fair." said Kairi. What do you have in mind?"  
"Well, for one thing, this story isn't listed as a crossover, so any evidence of us borrowing anything from another franchise must be destroyed." I reached under the table and pulled out a large flamethrower, complete with fuel backpack. "With fire."

Kairi's hands were already reaching for the nozzle. "Fire. Pretty."  
I snatched her hand before she could grab it. "Kairi, can I trust you to be our Dean of Fiery Death?"  
"Uh huh." I released her hand, and she giddily snatched it off the table  
"That's not fair!" Sora yelled, slamming his hands onto the table "What if I wanna be the Dean of Fire-Whatever?"  
"Unless you want to be Honorary Riku's Bitch, you'll shut the hell up."  
Instantly, Sora was silent.

"Moving on-"A loud knock at the door interrupted me. "What the hell is that?"  
"Oh ,that's my friend Namine." Kairi piped up and walked to the door.  
"Kairi, do me a favor. Go look out the curtain." She did, and was surprised when she saw the vast expanse of space. ""Um….Linda? Where are we?"  
"We are on a random meteor I picked out, so there is absolutely no way that Namine was-"  
"Able to follow you?" Namine interjected. "I simply drew a doorway that lead to where you guys were. Because my drawings are magical."  
"Like porn?" Sora asked.  
"Yes Sora. Magical like porn."

I rubbed at the knot of frustration in my temples. "Okay, let's try to keep pornography references to a minimum. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, next chapter you build the rat, and after that, the Yaoi chapter, I think."

Across the universe, a collection of fangirls screamed at the mention of the word.

"No way! The author of this piece of crap is straight. What the hell does he want a Yaoi chapter?"  
"First of all Riku, you're not supposed to even mention the author. No 4th wall breaking unless I decide it. And yes, the boss isn't a big Yaoi fan. But half the damn fanfics for KH are Yaoi anyway, so he figures he might as well attract the Fangirl Demographic."  
"But –"  
"No buts. If you don't like it, you can always be replaced by Roxas."  
"Good God, no! I'd rather die!"  
"Exactly. Now that we have this settled-" Another knock. "Okay know what?"

Voices murmured from behind the door.  
"_Oh man, I didn't think we'd get thissss far."  
"Shhhhush! You'll blow our cover! Pizzzza delivery!"  
_"None of us ordered pizza." Sora clarified, again Captain Obvious.  
"Than who the hell is the door?" I asked, getting up to walk through the door.  
"Don't worry Linda, I'll handle them." She grabbed the flamethrower and walked to the door.

"Who is it?" She asked in a sing-song voice._  
"Pizzzzza delivery!" Both voices shouted.  
_"Good, I hope you know-" She threw open the door, revealing two Soldier Heartless. "- I like my crust crispy."  
They looked at each other. " _Oh, Ssssssshi-" _ Kairi immediately set upon them with the flamethrower, burning them to crispy little, yet still evil ashes. "Fun…Need….Burn….More….."  
"Kairi, are you okay?"  
"_Burn! Everything!" _ She screamed and charged us.  
"Linda , end this chapter! Now!" Riku screamed as Kairi chased us, eyes blazing with fiery intent.  
"Okay readers, we'll see you for the raft chapter, okay, thanks, bye- Kairi stop! This office was a rental!"


	4. Phallus Jokes and Killer Fish

After a very tense moment aboard a space office, Sora and the gang were back on their home Destiny Islands. And Kairi has learned to control her use of the flamethrower, am I right, Kairi?  
"Yes, Ma'am," She said shyly.

Good. Now then, the three had decided to explore the world on a raft- a very crappy idea, in my opinion. Also, what parents let their fourteen year old children embrace the high seas in a raft made of freaking wood and broken dreams? If they were my kids-

_Dammit, Linda, can you please focus on the story?_

Jeez, you're no fun. Fine, so they start building the raft, each one had a goal to help advance the raft. Unfortunately, word had spread to the other kids to the island, and by kids, I mean "Badass Final Fantasy characters now trapped in some kind of Hell/Time-Warp where they're stuck in their teenage forms and no longer able to be badass and save the world."

A chief example of this is Wakka, who followed Riku around while he scavenged for food, because their parents suck at feeding their children, and that the Destiny Islands is apparently just off the coast of Ethiopia. "I could help you find food, ya know." Said Wakka.  
"No you can't. Leave me alone."  
"Are you sure? Because I really could help, ya know."  
"No! You can't! Shut up!"  
"Jeez, you got anger problems, ya know."  
"Dammit! If you say 'ya know', one more time-"  
"What? It's my thing, ya know?"

Riku spun around and grabbed Wakka by his collar.

WARNING! HIARIOUS SWEAR WORDS INBOUND!

"Bitch, I don't need your fucking help, I don't want you fucking help, and you just fucking straight up make me sick. I want nothing more than to impale you on the pointy penis of an Orca until it is so, so far up your ass that fucking Shamoo the fucking dolphin/whale/whatever thing gets turned on. Now say 'Ya Know', one more time and I will bitch slap you like a whore who owes her pimp money! YA KNOW?!"

OKAY, I THINK HE'S DONE.

_Wow, even I gotta admit that was hilarious._

Ditto.

"Alright, you don't have to be rude, ya know?"  
"THAT IS IT! RIKU ANGRY! RIKU SMASH!" Turning into Dark Riku, Riku began beating the holy halibut out of poor Wakka- Wow. He's really laying into him. Should we interject, boss?

_Nah, he's fine. Let's check on Sora._

Okay, cool. Sora was tying together the raft with wood while Kairi and Selphie watched, eating ice cream and looking generally sexy. After tying the last double-helix , Sora looked at the sky and bemoaned to me, "Hey! Ms Linda! Question. I worked really hard on this raft thing. Do you think it would be okay if you got Selphie and Kairi to kiss?"

I don't know boss, what do you think?

_Well…We're gonna have a bunch of dudes making out anyway. And we still need to take the readers eyes from the time we almost made Jack Sparrow and Mickey Mouse have sex. So if they're cool with it, why not?_

Kairi shrugged. "Sure. It's not like you're asking me to lick her butt or anything."  
"Though I totally would," Selphie Interjected.

Selphie! What the f*ck! You can't say that!

Putting her hilariously skinny arms on her hilariously skinny hips, Selphie yelled at the sky "Why? You can let Riku threaten to screw Wakka with a marine animal's phallus, but I can't talk about assplay?"

NO! No, you CANNOT talk about assplay!

"You really want to?" Kairi asked, curiously.  
"Yeah," Selphie admitted shyly.

_…So I'm thinking we just killed any chance of our male readers achieving an erection,_ _Linda._

Probabl y. Well…at least's the raft's done. As I said the words, Riku came running towards them, plus food, minus wakka.

Now that he's here, you guys can get ready to take off-

"Wait a minute!" Yelled Tidus, who I didn't mention because fuck Tidus.

_Linda. Language._

Sorry.

"If we aren't in our world, then doesn't that mean I never defeated Sin?"

The big fish thing? Well, yeah, but a lot of KH players haven't played Final Fantasy X(Though you all should), so I think we should leave that plot thread alone-

_Too late. I'm summoning Sin._

At the mention of the boss's word's. a giant portal opened and spit out Sin, who was a really big and ugly brown fish monster with billions of black eyes. Like the doll staring at you right now.

_Linda. No murderer dolls._

You're no fun. Seriously. Anyway, Sin hit the water creating a giant tidal wave that destroyed South America for no reason and Australia because it would have been killed by the zillions of poisonous monsters living there.

"So Tidus, how did you do kill this thing?" Asked a now very scared Kairi, who had been making out with Selphie the whole time.  
"I hit it in the head a bunch of times with a sword. But I have a stick now, so…"  
"We're screwed?"  
"Very."

Sin, who should be noted that he doesn't mess around, began preparing his overdrive, Oblivion.

"Oblivion? What does that do?" Sora asked.  
"It obliterates every living thing in the universe." Tidus said matter-of-factly.

Wow, I'd hate to be you guys.

"Actually, Ms. Linda," Sora interjected. "You're a part of this universe too, so if he blows us all up, you'll die too."

Boss….He's joking right?

_Nope,kid's right on the money._

What?! I don't wanna die! Do something guys!

They thought, and couldn't come up with anything. Until Riku suddenly realized he hadn't had a verbal line for the past few paragraphs and had an idea. Grabbing Kairi, he lifted her up and pointed her toward Sin. Immediately she passed out in pure fear from looking at it in its eyes. This is good, because she wouldn't have approved of his next actions.

Grabbing her shirt, he pulled it down and pointed her breasts directly at Sin.

Sin laughed so hard at how hilariously small her breasts were that he imploded and exploded at the same time.

"Jeez," Riku said, tossing Kairi to the ground. "Can we get on the raft now?"

Well this chapter was supposed to run a little longer, but sure.

So the original three got on the raft, and set sail for adventure!

_Actually, this isn't a very random ending. The fic is called 'This Fic Makes No Sense', after all._

What do you have in mind?

_I'm thinking aliens._

Cool, let's go with that.

"Wait what?" Said the three teens, even Kairi, who was still unconscious.

Yep! Aliens! At my booming yet seductive voice, an alien saucer came and abducted the children into their ship.

_Much better, Linda._

Thank you boss.

* * *

Remember kiddies, this piece of garbage fic needs a book cover! If your creative/ less than mildly insane, you can draw one up and earn….something special Boss and I haven't thought of yet. It'll be great!

Also, why aren't you reviewing! You'll add the story to your alerts but won't tell us what you think of it? Do we have to threaten a fricken puppy?  
_  
Actually, that's not a bad idea._

What? Boss, I was kidding-

_No, really, Linda. It worked on Texting(Another sexy story of mine you should go read), so it'll work here! Okay readers, I have a very adorable puppy here, and if you'd like me to feed it, so that it lives to be adorable another day, you'll want to leave a review, or else._

Wow, boss…you're…. you're just awful.

_Thank you, I try._


	5. Samus Down, Samus Down!

When we last left our heroes, they had been abducted by aliens because we needed a plot device. And because hey, aliens, right? Anyway let us return to out rather unflattering heroes.

Riku was the first to wake up. And the moment he did, an alien descended upon him with a ray gun. As he held it off, a large green A button suddenly appeared.

"What? A quick time event? That doesn't even make sense-"  
Hit the button or you'll die Riku!  
"But I don't even have a " Before he could get the word out, the large button flashed red, and the alien blasted into him with the ray gun. As he collapsed, a large game over screen appeared.

"Wait…did you just kill Riku, Linda?" Sora asked me.  
No, the Alien did. He should have hit the A button.  
"But we need him for the Yaoi chapter!"  
Sora…why are you so interested in a Yaoi chapter?  
"Uh…no reason." Sora suddenly turned away.

_He has a point, Linda. Riku is pretty much half of all Yaoi pairings._

Oh fine. Tell you what. I'll give each of you a free continue. Everybody gets one, no more. Deal?  
"Deal." Sora nodded.

As our verbal agreement sealed, Time rewound to Riku waking up.

"What, again? Wait, so that means-"  
Once again the alien charged him, and the green A button appeared.  
"No! Not this time!" Refusing to go back to Hell( or the Door to Darkness. Or wherever KH assholes go when they die), Riku sucked In his breath and spit a loogie right onto the A button. It flashed green, and the Alien somehow was shot by someone in the shadows.

Riku turned to it and nodded his head. "Thanks, mystery guy."  
The thingy appeared in a yellow suit. "My name is Samus. Samus Aran."  
"Like the robot bounty hunter guy?"  
"I'm not a robot, and I'm not a guy! Look!" She pulled off her helmet. "I'm a sexy blonde woman!"  
Though not as sexy as the narrator…  
Samus looked into the sky(which was a ceiling) and guffawed. "Yeah, right. says the woman who can't speak for herself."  
Bitch, what did you just say? I will come down there and end your pitiful existence!  
"You want some of this, you script-reading hussy?! Come get some!"

Oh, _hell _no, it's on now. I charged through a portal and marched up to her face, but Riku intervened and stepped between us. "Narrator lady and space guy-"  
"I'm not a guy!" Samus interjected."I have breasts, dammit!"  
Riku rolled his eyes." Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I promise you two can battle it out over Street Fighter IV when we get back to the Islands, but can we please worry about the aliens, first?"

Samus looked at me and sighed. "Fine. Just tell the secretary to keep the hell away from me."  
"SECRETARY?! THAT IS IT! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY FIRED!" Before she could move, I grabbed her ugly blonde head and twisted. Her neck snapped audibly and she fell to the floor.

Riku was dumbfounded. Sora's jaw dropped. Kairi was…well, still unconscious.

"Linda! You just killed Samus Aran!" Riku screamed.  
"Bitch had it coming."  
"You just killed the best alien killer in the galaxy!"  
"Don't worry this was all planned-" I suddenly remembered something. I pulled out the script, and glanced it over. "Apparently, the Boss's plan was that Samus lead you through the alien mothership in an epic batte of human vs. alien, and then help you defeat the Alien Queen and return home."  
Riku facepalmed. "Please tell me it's not the same Samus whose neck you just snapped."  
"Whoops."

Sora pointed his finger at me. "Ooooh, Linda's gonna get it…"  
"Shut up! Everything will be fine. I just have to summon a back up another Alien Killer." I snapped my fingers. "I know just the one!" I took a deep breath and magically called down a microphone from the ceiling. I gestured to a portal in the same corner Samus came from.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, LET'S GET READY TO RUM- Oh, wait, that's copyrighted. LET'S GET READY TO SUCK IT!"  
Sora looked confused. "That's…better?"  
"In this portal, hailing from Los Angeles, weighing in at 250 pounds-"  
Riku and Sora looked at each other with worried looks.  
"Do you think she means-" Sora started.  
"I think so." Riku finished.

"DUKE NUKEM!"  
A burly blonde man with a red vest and blue jeans stepped out of the portal, a golden pistol in hand and a cigarette in his lips.

"Duke Nukem? His last game sucked! How is he gonna help us?  
"Look, it was him or Earthworm Jim. Now I've got to get back to my Narrator's Desk. Can I trust you guys to defeat the Alien Queen and get home?"  
"No." Riku said flatly.  
"Close enough." With a sexy twirl , I was back in my office.

"What did I miss?" Kairi yawned, finally waking up.  
"You just caught the party, hot mama."

I feel I should inform him Kairi is fifteen, but I'll leave it alone.

"Look, Mr. Nukem," Sora started, wary of his pistol. "We need you to help us kill aliens so we can-"  
"Aliens?!" Duke was suddenly alert. "The same ones that took my babes?!"  
"Um…Yeah?!"  
"Not this time, Alien scum! It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm all outta gum."

Yelling a manly yell, Duke charged into the foyer.

"Wow, that guy's hot." Kairi swooned. "I'd love to see his-"

Kairi! He is an adult! You are fifteen! That's illegal!

"For me to see his business card?"

Huh? Oh, well, nevermind.

"And maybe his penis."

No more Penis Jokes!

…And so, the Trio followed Duke into the Foyer, and closer to the Alien Queen. Will they defeat the evil Alien Queen and accidentally save the universe? Will Sora and Riku kiss in the still-forthcoming Yaoi chapter? Will sexy ass Fuu finally make an appearance like the Boss wants? Is the Narrator in your dreams when you sleep(I'll answer for you; yes)? Why the hell am I asking YOU all these questions?

Remember to review,review, review to get the answers to these questions. Unless you're one of those two sexy people who reviewed already, in which case you fucking rock!

XOXO,

Linda-

_That was a nice coffee break. Evening, Linda._

Oh, hey, boss.

…_Is that Duke Nukem? Where the hell is Samus Aran?_

Oh, funny story about that…


	6. Boss Battle! The Alien Queen Strikes!

_You did WHAT?!_

I…I may have killed Samus Aran.

_I can't believe you! How are they going to kill an Alien Queen by themselves?! And with Duke Nukem for Christ's sake!_

Don't worry, they've got this! You just gotta trust me.

_For your sake, they better get out of this alive. If they die, we'll have to get Namine and…Roxas._

Trust me boss, just sit back and enjoy the show…

Hiding around the corner, our heroes watched as a group of tentacled aliens lazed around and discussed anal probing.  
"There are a lot of them, Riku. Maybe we should sneak around." Sora suggested.  
"Good idea, Sora. Let's-"  
"Sneak around? What am I, Solid Snake?" Duke interrupted. (Somewhere, hidden in a cardboard box, Solid Snake moaned, "Go yiff yourself, Duke." Unfortunately, this caused an exclamation point to appear over a nearby soldier's head, who promptly shot him to death.) "Let me show you how the Duke handles business!" Yelling another manly yell, Duke charged the aliens with his Golden Pistol and the fury of his wits. "Hey, that guy's taking all the action!" Kairi whined. Pulling out her Flamethrower, she charged in, spraying deadly napalm all over the ship. Unfortunately, the walls were painted with Space Lead, which is highly flammable.

_Space Lead, Linda?_

Yup, Space Lead, which set most of the ship ablaze. Eventually, it surrounded them.

"Wow. So this is how we're going to die." Riku shook his head. "Being barbequed on an alien ship. Shoulda seen this coming."  
"Actually, Riku, We have continues. You're the only one that's gonna die."  
"Wait, what? Linda! Fix your plot hole!"

Can't you guys take care of yourselves? I was about to go get a taco.

"LINDA! FIRE!"

Oh, right. As the omnipotent yet beautiful voice snapped its invisible fingers, a portal appeared beneath our heroes, and they fell….directly into the Alien Queen's lair!

"Already?" Sora asked. "We're barely past 300 words."

Sorry, it's late, and Boss has to get ready for Thanksgiving.

Anyway, the ugly Alien Queen roared, giant chesticles smacking each other as the entire ship shook and oh God, that's an awful mental picture.

_Chesticles=Breasts, if you didn't know kids. Good luck sleeping tonight._

"So how do we defeat this thing?" Riku queried.  
"Like a Boss! That's how we're gonna do it!" Duke stepped up and looked the Queen dead in her eyes- All twelve of them.

FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING! FLEE, CHILDREN ,FLEE!

"Look here, Queen Chlamydia, I'm gonna kick your ass so hard, that the ensuing Warection will make it that much easier when I give you that smooth Duke Dick. Then I'm gonna take your thoroughly screwed corpse and donate it to science, so I can watch and laugh while they dissect those wrinkly potato sacks you call tits! Then I'm going to throw a large Indian throw rug over your corpse and do the Gangnam Style on your dead, breastless body-"

The Queen, having heard enough of this, grabbed Mr. Nukem and bit his head off at the shoulders.

OKAY, HE'S COOL. BACK TO YOUR DESKS KIDS!

"Oh. Didn't see that coming." Sora admitted.  
"If she wasn't gonna do it, I would have." said Riku. "So how do we kill it?"

"I guess we hit it a bunch of times, like we usually do." Sora suggested. Summoning his keyblade, he charged the mighty beast, and was promptly devoured.

CONTINUE? Sora clicked yes, and time rewound. "Okay, that sucked. Plan B?"  
"Already on it!" Riku grabbed Kairi and again flashed her hilariously feeble breasts. Unfortunately, the Alien Queen was a lesbian, so this had no visible effect save for the fact the Queen was now we-

_Linda! PG-13!_

Oh, right. So it didn't work, and the Queen grabbed them both, one in each handclaw.

"Sora! Do Something!" Kairi yelled.

"Um…Linda?"

Yes, I'd like a male escort to 000 Space Rock Lane… Oooh, Shep sounds interesting. My credit card number is-

"Linda!"

One sec, Sora. No, I'll supply the wrappers, it's fine…

"LINDA!" All three shouted in unison.

No, thank you. Buh-bye. Okay, whaddaya guys need- Oh right, Queen. From a nearby door, an asian woman from Resident Evil strode in, dropped a rocket launcher, and walked away.

Thanks, Ada.

"No problem, Linda. You coming to the card game on Thursday?"

You know it! Anyway, Sora grabbed the rocket launcher and pointed it towards the Queen.  
"Sora ,wait! Say something Badass!" Riku shouted.  
Sora cleared his throat and said in an authorative voice, "Welcome to Earf!" and pulled the trigger.

The rocket rang true, striking the Queen in the heart. She dropped the Riku and Kairi and fell over, dead.

"How was it?"  
"Could've been better, we're not really on earth so the Independence Day line was weak." Suddenly a loud alarm began screeching. "Linda, what's going on?" Sora asked.

Oh, that's the self destruct alarm. You have a minute until the ship blows up.

The trio looked at each other, sighed, and bolted.

"Where do we go? Kairi asked?  
"What about the door that says 'Liquefier'?"  
Riku smacked Sora with the back of his hand. "No. Let's try the door that says, 'Instant Death', genius."  
"Why do you have to be such a douchebag, Riku? I don't see you coming up with anything!"  
"That's because real ideas take time, you spiky-haired tard!"  
"My idea's aren't stupid! At least I didn't get caught having sex with Xemnas AKA Mansex!"  
"Xemnas came onto me first! And at least I know what real sex feels like! Your character is voiced by Haley Joel Osment!" (Haley Joel Osment woke up and sneezed. "Oh, great. Someone hates me again.")  
"Guys. 30 seconds." Kairi interrupted.

"One sec, Kairi! Riku's just mad because he can't get any from a woman!"  
"I have! Your mom!"

_Oh, for the love of God, Linda, would you mind?_

Not at all.

Without warning a mysterious force thrust them through the door that said 'Escape Pods', which should be noted was four feet in front of them. As the door closed and the pod launched the three exhaled a deep breath.

"So where to now?" Riku asked.  
"Back to the Islands, I guess." Kairi answered.

Nah, screw that. They've got a ship , boss. Do you think it's time for them to explore the universe now?

_I think so. Let's start with Traverse Town. Or maybe Twilight Town?_

Or we could just mash them together, maybe call it Twilight Traverse Town…Land.

_Good idea, Linda!_

"But wait-" The trio tried to say.

Too Late. The Pod made a hard right and descended into Twilight Traverse TownLand.

What will they come across in this new World? Well, we don't know yet. Boss is taking a slight writing break for Thanksgiving, but promises to return next week. The Yaoi chapter is next guys, promise!

Anyway, Happy Holidays from me and Boss! Maybe make our holidays with a review? Pretty please with my cherry on top?

…_Linda. What the hell._

I'm kidding, boss. You know I love you.

_I hope so. You live in my head after all- Hm?_

What is it?

_Some dude name Shep is at the door. Who is-_

That means it's time to end the chappy!

XOXO,

Linda-

_Seriously, who the hell is this Shep guy, Linda?_

Chapter Over! See You Later!


	7. A Very Bad Yaoi Chapter

Boss. It's time for the Yaoi Chapter.

_What? I'm on vacation._

Vacation was two weeks ago. We've got to get a new chapter in or else you'll have to write through Christmas.

_What?! Screw that. Let's get this over with._

Riku awoke in a dark dungeon, instead of Twilight Traverse TownLand like he had been expecting. "Ah, crap. Linda, where am I?"

Can't you read, genius? Didn't I just say that you were in a dark dungeon? I swear, forget saving the universe, you kids should've stayed in school.

"Okay, but _where_ am I?"

Irregardless, we're going to play a little game. In front of you are three doors. Behind each door is a man who you will do…Yaoi things with. There are three sets of triple doors. Get through all of that, and we'll reward you with some of that sweet kitty.

"I don't want a cat…"

Vagina, genius. You will get sex if you make it to the end.

"Oh. Cool! Let's get this started."

Riku stood and walked up to the first set of triple doors. All three were made of wood.

"Okay, let me think…"

It's not rocket science kid. Just pick a damn door.

"Again, okay…door number three!"

The door swung open and Riku was drawn inside. It was quite dark, but a bright spotlight suddenly flashed on Riku. "Congratulations, Mr. Riku!" Said a random announcer voice. From hell. "The first pairing will be…"

The light flew to the center.

"RikuxPete!"

What? How the hell did Pete get behind that door?

_Oops, Linda, I forgot to tell you, I may have switched a few doors around._

Oh. Well, Riku, you know what to do.

"What? You can't be serious! Pete is a dog, for f*ck's sake!"  
"Hey, I have feelings too, ya know!"  
"Look, Pete." Riku cleared his throat. "It's not you, it's me-"

Pete, however, was not in the mood to here such things; He simply grabbed Riku and mashed their lips together.

Riku, now fully knowing what Hell will feel like, kicked him in chest and fell to the ground, praying that he didn't try to use his tongue "That is…I feel so….Ew." He spit, wiping his mouth. As Riku contemplated putting Pete up for Euthanasia, A door opened that led to the next area.

"See? Wasn't that bad, was it?" asked Pete.  
Before Riku walked through the door, he turned and said 'Yes. I would have rather screwed Maleficent."

Laying in her bed, Maleficent sneezed. "Hm. Someone is talking about me."  
Aurora, more commonly known as Sleeping Beauty, pulled herself out from under the covers.  
"Maleficent, you taste like evil down there. Can I stop?"  
"Did I tell you to come up yet?!" Maleficent yelled, slapping Aurora before pushing her back between her legs.

In the next room, the doors were now made of steel.

"How about an actual human this time? Just maybe?" Riku begged.

See, kid, I'm afraid I don't know what's behind the doors, so you're on your own.

"Of course. Give me door number one."

The door opened, and again Riku was thrown inside.  
"Welcome back for round two!" Announcer-From-Hell-Who-Was-Not-John-Goodman yelled, shocking Riku. "This door's pairing is…" The spotlight swept over to the center. "RikuxSephiroth!"

Riku's stomach dropped. "You've gotta be joking."  
Sephiroth held out his hand. "Come with me."  
"Or how about I kick your ass instea-"

He was so fast; before he knew it Riku was in the air.

Sephiroth ascended speedily, all while Riku tried to push him away. "Let go, let go, let go-" When Riku looked up they were both bathed in moonlight, illuminating their silver hair.  
"You're beautiful," Sephiroth whispered.  
"We're beautiful," Riku corrected.

Slowly their lips met, and it was magical. Time was still as their bodies met and worlds collided.

Magical, and over too soon, for as soon they broke it, Sephiroth let go, and Riku fell for what felt like an eternity into the final room. All through the fall they never broke their gazes, and when Riku finally hit the ground, and his only thought was, "more."

***

Jesus, boss, can we pause for a porn break?

_Normally of course not, but considering the circumstances, sure. _

If you're not a fangirl and have been disturbed by that deeply emotional scene between Riku and Sephiroth, please take this moment to open Redtube in another tab and type in Lisa Ann or Stormy Daniels. If you like, play it in the background while you read the rest of this chapter.

_Linda and I will understand completely._

Now then, back to the chapter.

***

"Linda!" Riku yelled. "Send me back!"

Sorry, kid. You've got one more door.

"But-"

B*tch, didn't I say you've got one more door left? Pick it, so we get this mindfreak of a chapter behind us.

The last two doors were made of pure diamond. The third door was blocked by a a group of rocks.

"Can I pick the third door?

No.

"Okay, door number one.."

The Final door shined and swept Riku inside. As it closed, spotlights swirled around him.

"Welcome to your final challenge, Riku!" Not-John-Goodman screamed. "The final pairing is…"

The spotlights hit center stage.

"RikuxRoxas!"

And with that, Riku doubled over and puked. Roxas gave him a funny look. "What's so wrong about this?"  
"Everything, Roxas!"

After regaining composure, Riku looked Roxas in the eye. "I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for the vagina in the door after this. You got that?"  
"Well yeah, okay, but-"

There was no but. Riku simply threw his lips onto Roxas and shoved his tongue inside. Roxas' resistance lasted mere minutes before he gave in, and a battle of tongues ensued. When it finally ended, Riku threw Roxas away like a sack of potatoes, and marched into the next room.

"Dammit Linda! You owe me now!"

All right, all right, keep your panties on. Close your eyes and tap your heels together three times.

"…You're joking."

Not at all. Do you want your reward or not?

Grudgingly, Riku closed his eyes and did as he was told. On the third heel tap, he heard giggling. Upon opening his eyes he saw the very prominently naked visages of Namine and Selphie.

"What took you so long, Riku?" Selphie asked.  
"Yeah, we've been waiting for you _all _day." Kairi said, laughing.

Riku did not move.

"What's wrong Riku? We're practically _soaking_ for you." Selphie said in her awkwardly-seductive voice.

Riku thought for no more than a second, before turning around and going back where he came.  
"Where are you going?" asked Kairi.

"Back to Sephiroth." He said, before returning from whence he came.

""Did we just get left for a dude?" asked Kairi.  
"I think so." said Selphie.

_You know what's funny? I finished this chapter four months ago, and forgot to upload it._

Well…Better late than never, right.

_Right._

Anyways, thanks to all of you for sticking with roller coaster of a story so far. Make _sure_ you leave a review if you enjoyed; You have no idea how hard it was for boss to write this chapter and not puke his guts out.

_As an aside_, _remember I don't write Yaoi, so if it's below standard, my apologies._

Also, close that damn porn tab already! I can hear the screaming through the internet!


	8. An Honest Kidnapping

"Oh, God." Sora murmured, making sure all of his limbs were attached." Where are we-" He was interrupted by a strange plopping sound- Hey, wait a minute, what the hell is that?

Turning around, he saw a naked Kairi pushing a finger in and out of- Holy sh*t!

_LINDA! DO SOMETHING!_

"No, no,no!" I jumped through a portal and covered Kairi's body in a towel. "Kairi, this is the type of thing you do off-screen!"

She shrugged. "Well if a certain silver-haired douche hadn't left me high and dry in the last chapter, maybe I wouldn't need to satisfy myself."  
"But," Sora frowned, "I was here the whole time."  
"Oh, don't worry, Sora," Kairi waved him off. "I already had my fun with you."

"While he was sleeping?!" I rubbed my temples. "Okay, we're gonna pretend none of this ever happened. First things first, you guys need to go find Riku-"  
"No need, I'm already here." In strode Riku, carrying an unconscious woman over his shoulders.  
"Riku, who is that?" I asked, a little worried.  
"I'll explain in a second." Riku said nonchalantly, opening up a dark portal. "Come to the house I rented. I'll explain everything there."  
"But-" I tried, but Kairi and Sora had already followed him inside.

Boss…this isn't part of the script is it?

_There never was a script, Linda. Just go make sure they don't do anything stupid, will you?_

Don't I always?

_No._

Good Point.

As I stepped through the portal, I witnessed Sora and Riku tying up what looked to be a girl in a pink dress and short red jacket. When I saw the red ribbon wound through her hair, I realized instantly who it was.

"Hi, Aeris."  
"Hi, Linda." She tried to move and saw her legs and feet were bound to an old wooden chair. "Is this about all the money I stole from the poker games we played with Ada?"  
"That was _you_?!"

_Linda, calm down._

"I knew there was a reason you won so much!" I stomped over and reached for both sides of her head, but Riku caught my hands.  
"Wait, Linda! I need Aerith's help!"  
"But she's a cheater!"

_No more snapped necks, Linda!_

I sighed. "Fine. Will you at least tell me why you kidnapped Aeris?"  
"Aeris?" Sora asked, confused. "I thought her name was Aerith."  
Aeris shook her head. "No, it's Aeris. I don't know why people keep calling me Aerith."

"Guys!" Riku yelled, angry that once again he was getting no verbal lines. "Can I please explain why we're all here now?"  
"Sure. _After_ I get back to my office. I have had enough of you guys and your live-action for one chapter." I moaned, exasperated, before disappearing with a delicate twirl.

Okay, Riku. Shoot.

Pulling up a chair, Riku sat down and explained, " Okay, So I need to find Sephiroth and re-obtain his love. " He saw Sora raise his hand and slapped it down. "No questions yet! Anyway, the only one who knows where Sephiroth is is Cloud. Unfortunately, Cloud won't tell anyone where Sephiroth is, because He wants to be the one to kill him, or whatever. I don't really care. No one who played Kingdom hearts is old enough to have played Final Fantasy VII anyway."

Riku. You're rambling. Get to the point.

"Sorry. My plan is, Aeris is Cloud's girlfriend, so I'm going to propose a trade: Sephiroth's location for Aeris' safety. Do you mind, Aeris?"  
Aeris shrugged to the best of her ability. "No worries. I'm used to being kidnapped by now."  
"Okay, Cool."

Cool? You can't just go around randomly kidnapping people, Riku!

"It's a onetime thing, promise. Besides, I've got a checklist, so it's not random." Pulling out a clipboard, Riku studied It carefully.  
"Okay, step one, 'Kidnap Aeris'. Check. Step two: 'Lure Cloud to forest'."  
"But isn't that where Slenderman lives? Sora asked fearfully.  
"Silly Sora. There's no such thing as Slenderman."

At that precise moment, thunder struck outside the house.

"That was weird. Anyway, I'm going to go give Cloud the ransom note. Can I trust you guys to watch Aeris until I come back?"  
Sora saluted, and at that moment, Riku noticed something. "Sora, where the hell is Kairi?"

On cue, Kairi stepped out of the bathroom, still wrapped in a towel with a strange smile on her face.

Kairi, you've been gone the whole chapter. Where were you?

She shrugged. "I had to finish."

Finish wha- Ew!

_Yeah, Linda, I think this chapter is over._

But wait, I need to explain that last joke!

_Linda, if they didn't get that joke, they were too young._

Everyone's gotta grow up anyway. Moving on, look! Two chapters! In one day! If any of this clusterf*ck made you laugh- Which we highly doubt- please click that 'Review' button and let us know! Also maybe re-add the story to your favorites and alerts? We know you removed it for all the inactivity, and we're sooooooo sorry, right boss?

_Huh? Oh, yeah._

We're still going to finish this train-wreck of a fanfic, so stay with us!

_Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the afterlife…._

"_This sucks balls!" Sin complained to the Alien Queen. "The story's actually getting a real plot, and we're both dead."  
"Hey, I died because of a rocket launcher. You laughed to death over a pair of small breasts. In my opinion, they looked quite nice."  
"I get it! You're a lesbian! Jesus! Shut up already!"  
"Jeez, calm down. " The Alien Queen looked around their dismal surroundings and sighed. "You know, we could have at least took a few of 'em with us."  
Sin shrugged. "What can you do, everybody gets a continue."_

_It hit the Alien Queen like a train, or the rocket that killed her all over again._

"_That's it, Sin!"  
"What?"  
"Don't you get it? Everyone gets a continue! Everyone…"  
"Including us!" Sin jumped into the air, which was incredibly difficult task for a fish. "Queeney, if you weren't a lesbian, I'd kiss you!"  
"Thank God I am," She murmured under her breath. However, as Sin reached for his continue, she stopped him. "What?"  
"Think about it, the last time we were both defeated easily. Why don't we wait a second, and let them bring some other villains to join us? That way, we have a bigger chance!"  
"Even smarter!"_

So now they wait and bide their time, and-

"_Hey, it's that Linda b*tch!" Sin shouted and snatched me in his fish fin. _

_You can't do this to me! I'm the narrator!_

"That's great. Sin, don't you have the power of amnesia?" The Alien Queen asked.  
Sin nodded. "Yeah. You wanna see, Linda?"

No! Not at all! Not cool, Not cool Not co


	9. Shuggling!

…And you're sure this will work, boss?

_Absolutely. Kidnapping is wrong, and I think we should teach them that._

And this is how you're gonna do it?

_Yep._

All right, it's your story…

Riku walked in the bar, looked Tifa Lockhart straight in the eye, and said "I need a favor."  
Tifa nodded. "Okay, as long as you show me I.D. when this is over." She said as she started taking off her shirt.  
Riku averted his eyes in absolute horror. "Oh God, no! Just give this letter to that spiky haired emo kid that keeps coming in here!"  
"Which one?"  
"The one everyone hates!"  
"_Oh…._ That one? Sure, I got ya."  
Without a moment's wait, Riku dropped the letter on the counter and ran outside to find a place to wash his eyes out.

A few minutes later, Leon came out of the bathroom. "Who was that?"  
"I don't know, but he told me to give you this note. " She handed it to him. It said, in very rushed handwriting as if it were written two minutes ago, along with being on the back of a chocolate bar wrapper:

_Dear Jerk with the stupid looking sword!_

I have kidnapped your beloved and held her hostage in a remote location. If you would not like to see her lose all ten fingers and toes, I suggest you tell me the location of the universe's greatest enemy at the Dark Scary Forest tonight! Or else….

_And by 'Or else' I mean I'll cut off all your big, stupid hair!_

_Love,_

_Riku_

_P.S. Also, 'or else' as in she'll die._

_P.S.S. Don't bring anyone else!_

_P.S.S.S I like applesauce._

"Oh no! Someone's kidnapped Rinoa!"  
"Um… Leon, Rinoa's not in Kingdom Hearts…"  
"I have to go save her!"  
"But she doesn't exist in this universe…No one even knows who she is-"  
"Don't try to dissuade me! I'll be back soon!"  
"Leon-" But he had already left the door.

Soon after, Cloud emerged from the bathroom adjusting his pants. "What was that all about?"  
Tifa shrugged. "Leon being stupid again."

***

When Riku returned, he saw Aeris very untied and playing blackjack with Sora and Kairi.  
"You guys! What the hell is going on?!"  
"Welcome back, Riku!" Aeris smiled in his direction. "I was just playing a friendly card game with your friends."  
Sora frowned. "Friendly for who? I'm $300 in the hole!"  
"What can I say, I'm a FREAKING CHEATER!"

Aeris through her hands over mouth. "I didn't say that!"

Yeah you did! Because I just heard you!

_Linda…have you been messing with the script again?_

No…Why do you ask?

_Linda._

Okay, fine, I'll rewind time-

"Wait a minute!" Sora shouted to the sky. "Can I do something really quickly?"

Sure, kid. Hurry up.

Marching over to Kairi, Sora reached out to Kairi and grabbed her breasts with both hands. At first, she did nothing. Then, she grabbed the flamethrower and screamed _"I'm going to kill you!"  
_"Okay, you can go back in time now!"

Actually, I find this kind of hilarious.

_Linda!_

Alright! Sheesh. Rewinding time in three, two-

Sora frowned. "Friendly for who? I'm $300 in the hole!"  
"What can I say, I'm a great player!"

Riku facepalmed., murmuring "You guys really don't understand how kidnapping works, do you?"  
"What? You weren't here and we were bored. Besides," Kairi pointed at the cards. "She brought playing cards!"  
"No,no , Riku's right, we should probably move the plot along." Aeris said, shuggling the-  
"Wait a minute, I shuggled the cards? Do you mean shuffled?" Everyone glanced up at the typo.  
"Shuggle? How do we do that?" Kairi asked, curious.  
"He meant shuffle, guys." Riku said, pointing at the two g and f keys on the keyboard.  
"But what if shuggle is a new word he just invented? Maybe it's like shove and snuggle?"

"Wait, shove and snuggle? Like-" Aeris opened her shirt and began shoving cards down her bra.

Aeris…why?

"I'm shuggling them." She said, wrapping hers around her card-filled bra and pushing it close to her chest. "I shoved them in my bra and now I'm snuggling with them."

That is, hands down, the stupidest sentence ever typed in Microsoft word. Thanks boss.

_Guys? Kidnapping? Sephiroth? Remember?_

"Oh, right. I gave cloud the note, so can we go to the freaking Dark Scary Forest now?"  
"But Riku, Slenderman-" Sora started, but another lightning flash cut him off.  
"There is no Slenderman!" Another lightning flash. "Mulan! Enough with the fireworks!"

A dainty hand appeared in the window. "Sorry!"

***

As the crew prepare to depart on what should be a safe hostage exchange, many questions are left unanswered. Who will show up at the exchange, Cloud or Leon? Will Slenderman appear  
and molest everyone to death? Will Sephiroth and Riku finally get together and do all that creepy stuff in real Yaoi Fanfics? Why am I asking YOU all these questions? Answers may or may not be given in the 10th chapter of… TFMNS! Thank you, goodnight!

_Not bad at all, Linda. Very well orated._

Thank you. (P.S. Sorry about the length. The boss has a real busy week this week, and he wanted to give you something quickly. After chapter ten, things will resume in 2-chapter uploads.

P.S.S. If you enjoyed, add it to your favorites or leave a review! They help a lot, and make the author feel all warm inside!

P.S.S.S Do _you_ like applesauce?)


End file.
